(Self) honoring our national treasures
Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety — aw, hell, strike the “maybe” — but every year when I sit down to watch the annual Academy Awards broadcast in the belief that Hollywood couldn’t possibly become any more insufferably self-important, I’m always proven wrong.
This year, that was especially true. Early in the broadcast, when the moment arrived to award an Oscar to the best supporting actress, five (count ‘em, five) previous winners of the award strolled to the podium to lavish praise on the nominees. Before a word was uttered by any of them, the quintet got a standing ovation — simply for walking onstage.
Here’s what Goldie Hawn had to say about one of the nominees, who appeared in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”:
Taraji P. Henson, you reminded us that love is unconditional, timeless and ageless, and a really very special gift to be treasured. And so are you. Thank you.
Excuse me for being blunt, but who’d even heard of this person until now? Could we perhaps let her get a few more films under her belt before we label her a national treasure? Then there was Tilda Swinton, who in her posh British accent practically ordered us to bestow our admiration on another nominee:
Nominated this year for her compassionate and open-hearted performance in “The Wrestler,” in which she reminds us not only of the effortless physical expertise of a real working girl and the courage, the selflessness that is required of a dedicated working mother, and the sheer honest fact that a stripper need never take off her dignity with her clothes, we honor you Marisa Tomei.
Not since Julia Roberts’ portrayal of a sentimental hooker in “Pretty Woman” has the cause of womankind been so well served. Bravo, Marisa!
And this was just the first major award. I was facing a whole night of similarly grandiose descriptions of the performances of the gathered nominees — treasures all. I couldn’t take it. I gave up and switched the channel.
Ah, well. There’s always next year. It can’t get any worse — right?
February 24th, 2009 at 2:09 am
dan, I got home late and saw the last two awards and I thought the same exact thing. why oh why do we pay attention to these fucking people? they are ACTORS! for god’s sake….why are they IMPORTANT? there is no difference in these fools than our politicos who DEMAND the same red carpet treatment. the revolution is NEAR!
February 24th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I watched perhaps 10 minutes; right up until the moment that a clip showed Sean Penn in a lip lock, tonguing some other “man”. I threw up into my bowl of ice cream, grabbed a book and went to bed.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
My crankiness comes in when I see that the same movies are nominated over and over again in different categories. I believe Slumdog was up for 10. Really? There are NO other movies worth mentioning except these five? I get it that some movies go above and beyond, but I prefer to spread the love. It would make the show more interesting–it is so long and boring with all the singing and hoopla. I didn’t make it through the end, either.
On a sidenote, am I the only one scarred by watching Slumdog Millionaire? Yes, I agree the storyline was well-played and the acting was well done, but I can’t get past the violence and corruption. Of all the movies nominated, it’s the only one I saw.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Stopped watching this dreck years ago, about when Billy Crystal stopped hosting.
I recall the bruhaha when Lauren Bacall said Nicole Kidman was no legend. What a great moment. Nowadays you can be a legend, a celebrity, and have an autobiography all before the age of 20. I wonder how many of today’s ‘treasures’, ‘legends’, and other assorted riff raff will be remembered in 10 or 20 years.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Yup, time to open a good book after the supporting actresses. It worries me that there are “legends” I’ve never heard of — and don’t miss.
February 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
all you fools who watched the oscars deserve what you got. especially the idiot who puked in his ice cream.
February 24th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Did you see “The Wrestler”? Marissa gets my vote.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:00 am
“I threw up into my bowl of ice cream”
That’s gotta be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever read. Good job, Mikey.
The Oscars lost me way back in 1998 when the greatest movie of all times, Saving Private Ryan, as if I had to tell you, got beat by f’ing Shakespeare In Love for Best Picture. Then to top it off, Tom Hanks loses Best Actor to some Eye-talian poindexter named Roberto Benigni.
“Holy Mother of God. What have the members of the Academy been smokin?” I asked myself - even though I was pretty sure I knew the answer - sensimilla more than likely - or some other primo bud.
I guess I’m rambling. But that was a travesty of a sham of a mockery that was. Shakespeare In Love. Cripes. This is waking up some unpleasant emotions. I may be fixin’ to blow chunks myself. Got no ice cream though - maybe I’ll direct my vomitus toward the fish bowl.
Speaking of vomiting and movies, here are some great puking scenes
* Linda Blair on Father Marin in THE EXORCIST
* James Cagney (the Captain) in his trash can in MR ROBERTS
* The pie eating contest from STAND BY ME
* Seasick Rangers in their Higgins boats approaching Omaha Beach - SAVING PRIVATE RYAN * for extra credit (maybe a Yankee Dime from Gearino - with probing tongue perhaps) what was the name assigned to the section of Omaha Beach that was the Ranger’s destination?
* “Out with it son!” Flounder on Dean Wormer in ANIMAL HOUSE